230.2!

Somehow I managed to lose 4 1/2 pounds this week, after losing only 1/2 pound last week. It feels great! I'm down nearly 21 pounds total in just 6 weeks.

The irony is that the Weight Watchers Online program admonished me (again) about losing too much weight - and then took off a point a day! If I'm losing too much weight too quickly, doesn't that mean I should be eating more rather than less?

I'm still tired all the time. I've taken to going to bed an hour early when I can. I'm napping more than usual. And I'm still exhausted all the time. How much longer before I start to have more energy?

I'm also frustrated because I would exercise even more than I have been, but my back bothers me too much. I have to listen to my body, and if my back hurts a lot, I don't go to the gym. I might walk or I might not do anything, depending on how bad my back hurts. It's just frustrating. I wish my back could understand that I am trying to help it! I could spend more time strengthening it if it didn't bother me so much.

Oh well. C'est la vie.

I'm due to have my measurements taken at Curves this week - they like to do them once a month. I don't really think I look skinnier, so maybe seeing my smaller measurements will help me conceptualize how much 20+ pounds less looks on me.

Well, here's hoping that I can continue to stay on track and lose all the weight I want to lose. I think the fact that I have added exercise and I don't hate it will help me stick with the program longer than ever and successfully lose the weight and keep it off.

Exhaustion

OK, now that the initial rush of "Yay, I'm finally losing weight and taking care of myself" has worn off, here's where the discipline really needs to kick in.

I've always been tired, for years, for as long as I can remember. Even when I sleep well, I'm tired. One of my many reasons for finally losing weight is that I had hoped I would have more energy. That will hopefully be true in the future, but for now, I'm even more tired than ever! I sleep and sleep and sleep and it's never enough. I suppose that's my body's natural reaction to expending more energy (through exercise) and taking in less energy (calories)? How long will this exhaustion last? Hopefully not much longer. I'm sure eventually my body will get used to my new routine, but for now, I sleep on...

Also, I've hit a point where I'm pissed off to still be fat. I know that it will take months and months to lose all the weight that I want to lose, but it's still frustrating that after losing 16 pounds, I can't tell that much of a difference. I'm busting my butt at the gym and making smarter food choices, but I'm impatient, and I want results now! I can see it being very hard to stay motivated when I can't actually see results. Oh well, in about a week and a half, I'll have my one-month measurements taken at Curves, so hopefully I'll see results there that I can't see on my actual body.

I'm starting to see why so many people fall off the wagon, so to speak. I thought I would feel so much better so much quicker. I will stick with it, though, because I have to. I'm so tired of living life this obese.

So I plug on and keep going and hope it gets easier...

235.2

Life has been terribly crazy lately. Here it is Thursday and I'm finally getting around to writing about Sunday's weigh-in of 235.2.

Weight Watchers had set my first goal at 238.5, so passing that mark felt really good. I'm down about 16 pounds in 4 weeks, which is awesome! I'm feeling good with everything right now.

I haven't been quite as active this week for various reasons. Right now I'm waiting for the mailman, but later I might take the dogs for a walk.

I've been tired for as long as I can remember. I hope losing some weight will help me gain some energy. For the moment, I feel even more tired than usual. I guess my body isn't used to the strain of all the exercise with fewer calories being consumed? Now that I think about it, I might take a nap rather than a walk...

I guess I don't have much to say today. Maybe next week.

239.2

Weigh-In day was yesterday. Despite going to The Melting Pot (fondue) and The Olive Garden (Italian) last week, I still lost about 3 1/2 pounds! I'm down almost 12 pounds total. Also, Weight Watchers set my first goal at losing 5% of my body weight. I'm within 1 pound of that first goal.

Now the bad news. I got lectured by the Weight Watchers page about losing weight too quickly. I guess you're only supposed to average 2 pounds a week. I'm impatient, though, and I'm busting my behind. I'm working my butt off, literally, and I want to see the results of that ASAP. I got very angry when I was told I'm losing too much weight too quickly. I'm using up most of my points. I'm actually exercising. And now I'm told it's too much?

Argh.

I got a lot of good feedback from friends and family, though, saying that at first, losing a lot of weight is OK, especially since I am exercising and not just dieting.

Which is good. Because I don't want to start eating worse or more to lose less weight, and then have to eat less and/or better when I plateau. I like the pace I'm at.

So that really put a bummer into my day.

Went for a long walk yesterday. Went to the zoo today and did a lot more walking. I'll try to hit the gym tomorrow, Wednesday, and Thursday or Friday. I need to make sure I don't overdo it at the gym; my body isn't used to all this exercise, and my back has been letting me know when I need to slow down.

I think the reality that this is forever is starting to hit me now. I will never be able to go back to the way I used to eat. I will always have to be careful about what I eat. I will always have to exercise. It's daunting. I know I can do it. I just have to think one day at a time. I can't worry about tomorrow, I can only worry about today.

I guess that's about it for today. Thanks for taking this journey with me.

242.6

Yesterday's weigh-in was pretty good; I came in at 242.6, which is down 4 1/2 pounds from last week and 8 1/2 pounds total.

Mostly this is exciting, but there is still a part of me that feels like it isn't good enough. I really have to learn how to take control of that voice. I mean, the "I'll never be good enough" voice pesters me a lot, but if I don't learn how to control that voice, I'm liable to be come anorexic, bulimic, and/or an exercise addict. I have to remember that change takes time. I didn't put this weight on overnight, and it won't come off overnight, either.

Anyway, I got LOTS of support on Facebook yesterday which helped A LOT. The more outside voices I can hear, the easier it is for those good voices to drown out the evil one. Hmm...I wonder if I can conquer the "I'm not good enough" voice through my weight loss program - and have that carry over into the rest of my life? That could have HUGE (positive) implications! Interesting.

So my mom took me to a fondue restaurant today (my choice) to celebrate my birthday a few days early. And I feel okay about this. All I had all day until dinner was a banana and a granola bar for breakfast and another banana, some grapes, and a Fiber One Chocolate Chip Cookie Brownie thing for lunch. So I saved up lots of points. I figure between tonight and tomorrow night (my dad and stepmom are taking me to Olive Garden), I'll use all of my bonus and exercise points, and I'll just be super good with my points the rest of the week, and I think I'll still manage to lose weight. Or at least not gain weight.

After my second workout at Curves today, I was still surprised at how FUN it was. I never knew exercise could be so fun; exercise was always boring. Then I came home and decided to take the dogs on a half-hour walk. Who would have ever guessed? I must be starting to get more energy already, which will be great!

I noticed at work today that my smock, which is usually taught across my belly, actually hangs loose now! That almost made my head explode. I didn't really expect to see changes after only 8 1/2 pounds, but they are definitely starting to happen already. That was such a mind-blowingly awesome experience.

I guess that's all I have for you all now. I'm just learning how to tackle all my issues one at a time and staying strong. As I learn and grow (and shrink) I will continue to share those experiences, and if I can touch, help or inspire even one person who reads this, I will have achieved a goal.

Curves

So I signed up for Curves today. It's a women-only gym that incorporates circuit training with hydraulic-powered weight machines. This means A) You get a complete workout in 30 minutes. B) You don't have to mess around adjusting the amount of weight on each and every machine. And C) Since you are only on each machine for 30 seconds, it's not boring.

Joining Curves was my Stepmom's idea. She thought we could meet there after work a few times a week. I knew I would be more likely to actually go to the gym if I had a workout buddy, so I agreed to look into it with her. Today I had my first workout and absolutely loved it! I was looking forward to always moving from machine to machine, but I couldn't have predicted how much fun it would be (compared to a normal workout). I was planning on using a free 30-day pass to make up my mind, but I had decided after one 30-minute workout.

So now with the addition of a solid exercise plan to my Weight Watchers plan, I have a complete...plan. There has to be a different word I can use...but I can't think of anything.

Oh well.

Anyway, for my first session today, they did a weigh-in. It's a different scale from my scale at home, so there's certainly a margin of error, but I weighed in at 243 pounds - already down 4 pounds from Sunday and 8 in the last week and a half!

So I'm feeling pretty awesome. I'm locked into a 1-year contract with Curves, so hopefully I can keep it up long-term. I really feel optimistic that I can finally lose the weight and keep it off!

In other news, the not-so-good news, my BMI was almost 45%. That was completely off the chart she had. That machine also said I have 109 pounds of fat. Everybody has A LITTLE fat at least, especially women. I'm pretty small-chested, so I'm sticking by my guess that I need to lose about 100 pounds.

So things are looking up for me. I'll report back in a few days with my next weigh-in and keep you updated. Things won't always be flowers and sunshine, so that's another reason for me to write about my journey, so that I can (hopefully) inspire myself (and maybe some of you) to keep going during the tough times.

So if you (or future me) need inspiration, keep it up, you can do it! I know, believe me, how hard it is. It's a lifestyle change, and it sucks, but also, it feels SO GOOD to finally take care of myself and my health.

Food: Cravings VS Decisions

So, I have come to realize that fast food (and junk food in general) has become ingrained in my daily routine. It's one thing to plan all my meals and only keep good food in my house, but I have certain triggers that make me crave junk that have been hard to resist.

For example, yesterday was kind of a crazy day. I had breakfast, then a protein bar for lunch, then I had several things to do in a row where I could'nt stop and eat something. So I wound up driving home on the highway in traffic and starving. My typical routine used to be to swing by a drive thru and pick up some junk on my way home. I have a Weight Watchers app on my phone, so I was looking at all the point values of the food I might want and deciding what I could eat and still stay under my points budget (before I started driving).

That is when I realized that the ROUTINE of the junk food is as bad as the junk food itself. Sure, I could get a grilled chicken sandwich and small fries and stay under my points budget, but that would do nothing to break the routine or habit I have of swinging by a drive thru on my way home (usually from work, but it could be anywhere).

So I was good and went straight home. I intended to have a salad, but it was all wilty and gross, so instead I dug some frozen waffles (blueberry and whole grain) out of the back of my freezer and had that with light syrup, and I had points left over for later and I chose to have popcorn while watching TV. I know, you aren't supposed to eat in front of the TV, but I figure I'll tackle some of my issues in order from worst to...least bad?

Then when I was watching TV, I kept seeing commercials for my favorite foods and favorite restaurants. For example, Red Lobster is running their endless shrimp special. My stomach is growling for shrimp just typing this, and I'm not even actually hungry. Mmm...shrimp...But again, endless ANYTHING would not be good for me right now.

So I resorted to the technique I use when casino commercials come on (to read more about my compulsive gambling, read here) - I covered my eyes. I'm a VERY visual person - I can hear casino commercials on the radio or TV and be a little perturbed but OK. It's actually SEEING the commercials (especially when they show slot machines) that causes me problems. 3 1/2 years after my last bet, I STILL cover my eyes with my hand when a casino commercial comes on.

This works very well for my compulsive gambling, so I decided to try it for restaurant commercials. And you know what? It helped.

Another example of battling a routine craving is that my mom and I go out for lunch about once a week. I was craving breakfast food today, so I printed off the nutrition information for Village Inn and IHOP and brought them with me. IHOP had far more nutrition information available, so that is where we decided to go.

I LOVE breakfast food. Pancakes, French Toast, bacon...yummmmm...So when we got to the restaurant, I really wanted to do something like strawberry banana French Toast - which probably wouldn't have been too bad now that I think if it - or pancakes with bacon, eggs, and hash browns. That REALLY would have been a killer. Luckily they have many Simple and Fit (I think that's what they call it) menu items. One is called the Simple and Fit 2X2X2 - and it was scrambled egg substitute, turkey bacon, and 2 pancakes. The whole thing, including a tablespoon of butter and sugar-free syrup was only 12 points. I get 38 points per day and an extra 49 per week, so 12 points for a meal out is actually really good.

And it actually tasted pretty good. The turkey bacon had sort of a different consistency than regular bacon, but still tasted pretty good. With a little salt and pepper, the scrambled egg substitute tasted pretty close to regular scrambled eggs. And since fake sugar doesn't bother me, the pancakes were almost as good as with real syrup. So I was still able to fulfill my breakfast food craving in a much healthier way. I have to admit though, it was a little bit tough watching my mom eat her bacon cheeseburger. I just had to remind myself of the bigger picture. I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of my back hurting. How badly do I want the burger compared to how badly do I want my back to stop hurting?

So that's my latest update and musings on food and my problems with it. It will be interesting for me to see how many of these types of issues come up and how well I will deal with them.

Thank you all so much for your support, encouragement, and sharing of your own success stories. It all means more to me than I can probably put into words.

:-)

247

I had my first weigh-in yesterday. I started at 251 a week ago, and now I am down to 247.

I have to admit, I was pretty disappointed. I was hoping to lose at least 5 pounds my first week. I suppose at least part of the problem was having my splurge night the night before weigh-in. Of course, to be able to even have a splurge night and still lose 4 pounds in a week is pretty awesome.

I'm finding that being on a diet is sort of a chore so far. I have to plan my meals, record everything I eat, and research nutritional information in order to make informed decisions about what I am eating. I'm sure this will get easier as time goes on, but for now it's a pain in the behind!

I've actually started walking my dogs, which is pretty cool. Yes, dogs are SUPPOSED to be walked, but I was always too lazy/too tired/in too much pain to actually do it.

I started off with about a 15 minute walk last Sunday and increased that gradually throughout the week so that yesterday we walked for an hour! I was pretty impressed with myself and my dogs for that one. There is a bike path about a block from my house, and walking on the trail didn't give me the option of cutting through a block as I could have when I only walked around the block. Anyway, my dad has a bike trail map and estimates we must have walked 2.5-3 miles. That's pretty awesome, that has to be the most exercise I've gotten since I don't know when.

Fall is perfect walking weather - not too hot and not too cold. I'm really hoping I can develop a STRONG habit and routine of walking the dogs before winter hits. I HATE to be cold, so it will take A LOT more motivation to walk in the cold and the snow.

I haven't gotten to a place yet where I look forward to walking the dogs, but I enjoy it enough while I'm doing it that I can see potential for it to be something I look forward to. Going for a long walk is FAR more enjoyable than going to the gym and working out. I despise the gym. I'm sure it's a necessary evil, but for now any exercise is good exercise.

I don't know how much better I feel physically yet, but I definitely feel better mentally. It feels good to be taking steps in the right direction to take control of my health.

I guess those are all my thoughts on this matter for now. I will keep you updated with my progress as a way for me to stay motivated.

How I Got Like This

It's fair of you to wonder how I wound up weighing 251 pounds. Even if you struggle with weight yourself, it's easy to look at somebody bigger than yourself and say, "How does somebody let themselves get like that? I never will!"

Well, it certainly didn't happen all at once. I gain (and lose) weight in spurts, like 30 pounds at a time.

I was a normal size when I was a child. I grew up when kids still played outside and my parents didn't keep much junk food in the house (with one or two exceptions I may discuss later). And when I was 8, my whole family joined karate, so we were all plenty active.

Until...

When I was about 13, a whole bunch of life changes happened all at once. Within the span of about a year, we dropped out of karate, moved across town, moved to within walking distance of a convenience store, my brother and I got more freedom during the day, and I hit puberty.

Over the course of that year, I went from a girls' size 14 to a misses' size 14.

I started high school weighing about 140 pounds.

I've always been shy to begin with, but heading into high school at 140 pounds, I certainly didn't have any self esteem. Luckily, I did somehow manage to make a handful of friends, so I wasn't totally alone.

Every year that went by, I gained a few more pounds. Dating was out of the question; guys wouldn't even look at me, and I was far too shy to actually talk to anybody.

On graduation day, I weighed 203 pounds.

I was horrified. I had spent most of my junior and senior year hovering around 180-185, but something about crossing the 200-pound mark was just dreadful.

Luckily for me, instead of gaining the "Freshman 15" when I started college, I actually lost weight. I think it's partly due to walking so much more than in high school, but I'm also sort of a closet eater, and I didn't want my roommates to see just how much crap I was eating, so I cut back a little bit. Plus, instead of being a high school kid with a part-time job, suddenly I was in school full-time and relying on savings, so I couldn't afford to eat as much junk.

Anyway, I hung around 185 pounds for several years. I met a guy online, and we lived together off and on for several years, but mostly my weight stayed around that 185 mark. After we broke up for good, I joined a gym and maxed out my credit card on a personal trainer. I lost about 20 pounds and was feeling great - until I got REALLY sick. I think that's the time I got pneumonia. I'm really prone to upper respiratory infections; sometimes it's (walking) pneumonia, sometimes bronchitis, sometimes an unknown virus.

Anyway, I stopped working out and gained the weight back. I went back to about 185 and hung out there for a while.

I had been diagnosed with depression in college and was on antidepressants occasionally, but a few years ago I was diagnosed as being bipolar.

Unfortunately, all the bipolar drugs have weight gain as a side effect.

So then I went up to about 220 and hovered around there for a while.

I've suffered from several terrible depressive episodes the last few years, and being depressed always makes me crave even more junk food and less inclined to do any sort of exercise. One year ago, I weighed 240 pounds.

I hit a breaking point and finally joined Weight Watchers. One of my coworkers had started it and was doing really well with it. So I started the Weight Watchers and lost about 20 pounds.

Then I hit another depressive episode. A BIG one. And between the depression and the new bipolar med, I ballooned up to 245.

I started to feel better over the summer, and my weight stabilized. The last month or so, however, I've been feeling depressed again and eating more.

And that is how I wound up at 251 pounds.

Part of the reason I am depressed is because of my weight, so putting forth an effort into losing weight will kill two birds with one stone.

I'm just tired of living like this. I'm tired of my back hurting all the time. I'm tired of wondering if a restaurant booth will be big enough. I'm tired of spilling food all over myself when I eat because my huge gut prevents me from bending over and getting closer to my food, and everything that falls off the fork lands on my belly rather than the plate, table, or even my lap. I don't have much of a lap left anyway.

I'm tired of feeling like I never want another person to see me naked. I'm tired of feeling like I'll be alone the rest of my life. I'm tired of feeling like some freak of nature that doesn't fit into movie theater or airplane seats very well.

But mostly...

I'm tired of being tired. The effort of living like this has to be greater than the effort it will take to lose the weight. I probably need to lose around 100 pounds, maybe more. So I think about carrying 100 pounds in a backpack or something and how good it would feel to take it off and put it down.

This will not be an easy journey, and I will need all the help I can get. That is why I am starting this blog, so I can be held accountable for my actions. If I fall off the wagon, any regular readers I acquire will know, either because I tell you or because I stop posting.

So thank you just for reading. Every person that reads this helps to hold me accountable. In theory, I should be held accountable to myself, but it's much easier to be held accountable by a bunch of strangers.

As always, comments are always welcome, and thanks for reading!

Welcome to my New Blog!

Welcome to my new blog dedicated to my weight loss journey. If you're new here, this is what you need to know about me.

I have a weight problem. I love to eat and I hate to exercise.

I finally hit rock bottom two days ago. I've had chronic back problems for years, partly due to a car accident, partly due to my job, and partly due to my weight. I must have gained one pound too many, because my back has been REALLY bothering me lately. I barely got through work that day. And I just decided that I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. I am so tired of being tired all the time. I'm tired of being in pain all the time. At this point, I figure the effort of existing at this weight (251 pounds) is greater than the effort it will take to lose the weight. So I signed up for Weight Watchers.

I did Weight Watchers about a year ago for a couple of months, but then I hit a really bad depression (I'm bipolar) and fell off the wagon and gained back all the weight I had lost and then some. I finally got out of that depression but never made it back onto the diet...

Until I started feeling depressed again a few weeks ago, mostly due to my weight, although there were certainly other factors. I'm tired of living like a fat hermit in my cave with my dogs and only emerging to go to work and spend time with my parents.

So anyway, I signed up for Weight Watchers two days ago and actually started doing it yesterday.

Starting a diet sucks.

I'll feel better once I've been doing this for a while, but for now I'm a little bit hungry, a little bit deprived, and A LOT cranky.

Case in point: I only worked half a day today because I only had two dogs scheduled. I left work around lunch time and stopped at the grocery store on the way home because I was in desperate need of (healthy) groceries.

I was starving because I had cereal instead of McDonald's for breakfast and I hadn't eaten lunch yet. So I'm driving from work to the grocery store, and I wind up following...

A frickin' McDonald's truck. With 8 foot tall French fries on the back.

I got very pissed off, and it's a good thing I didn't have a passenger because I wanted to hurt somebody right then and there. It felt like the Universe was mocking me. "You just started a diet, let's mock you with fries."

So then I had to go to the store hungry. I usually try to avoid this at all costs because I spend too much money and get too much junk food.

But I had to suck it up and make my way through the store hunting down healthy things I might actually eat. There's an app for calculating how many points something is, so I was calculating EVERYTHING I put in my cart (except the produce). Which is healthier, light salad dressing or fat-free salad dressing? It should be simple, fat-free would be healthier, right? Not necessarily, it had more carbs and fiber or something, so I had to calculate it. The fat-free did turn out to be better (1 point vs 2).

Anyway, it took me FOREVER to get through the store. Got home seeing red because I was starving and dehydrated, and I saw that the neighbors haven't taken down the pizza flyer that was put on their door days ago, and then I got REALLY mad because I can't order pizza anymore. I can have A SLICE if it is in front of me, but no more ordering a medium pizza and breadsticks and eating all the breadsticks and 1/3 of the pizza, then tackling leftovers for a day or two.

Pizza.

Yum.

Gr.

I'm getting hungry again.

I know that eventually my stomach will shrink and I will learn what and how much I can eat and I will get used to preparing food, but in the meantime, it sucks and I'm cranky.

Anyway, thanks for listening to me whine (I usually try not to), I hope some of you will follow my progress  here and also check out my other blog thewritinggroomer.blogspot.com, and I will graciously accept any comments, suggestions, or whatever you may have for me.