Nearly 40 Down...

My poor blog has been so neglected the past couple of months. Luckily my weight-loss program has not been neglected. I'm down almost 40 pounds in about 4 months. :-) I'll try to post again soon, I just wanted an update in case anybody has been wondering.

230.2!

Somehow I managed to lose 4 1/2 pounds this week, after losing only 1/2 pound last week. It feels great! I'm down nearly 21 pounds total in just 6 weeks.

The irony is that the Weight Watchers Online program admonished me (again) about losing too much weight - and then took off a point a day! If I'm losing too much weight too quickly, doesn't that mean I should be eating more rather than less?

I'm still tired all the time. I've taken to going to bed an hour early when I can. I'm napping more than usual. And I'm still exhausted all the time. How much longer before I start to have more energy?

I'm also frustrated because I would exercise even more than I have been, but my back bothers me too much. I have to listen to my body, and if my back hurts a lot, I don't go to the gym. I might walk or I might not do anything, depending on how bad my back hurts. It's just frustrating. I wish my back could understand that I am trying to help it! I could spend more time strengthening it if it didn't bother me so much.

Oh well. C'est la vie.

I'm due to have my measurements taken at Curves this week - they like to do them once a month. I don't really think I look skinnier, so maybe seeing my smaller measurements will help me conceptualize how much 20+ pounds less looks on me.

Well, here's hoping that I can continue to stay on track and lose all the weight I want to lose. I think the fact that I have added exercise and I don't hate it will help me stick with the program longer than ever and successfully lose the weight and keep it off.

Exhaustion

OK, now that the initial rush of "Yay, I'm finally losing weight and taking care of myself" has worn off, here's where the discipline really needs to kick in.

I've always been tired, for years, for as long as I can remember. Even when I sleep well, I'm tired. One of my many reasons for finally losing weight is that I had hoped I would have more energy. That will hopefully be true in the future, but for now, I'm even more tired than ever! I sleep and sleep and sleep and it's never enough. I suppose that's my body's natural reaction to expending more energy (through exercise) and taking in less energy (calories)? How long will this exhaustion last? Hopefully not much longer. I'm sure eventually my body will get used to my new routine, but for now, I sleep on...

Also, I've hit a point where I'm pissed off to still be fat. I know that it will take months and months to lose all the weight that I want to lose, but it's still frustrating that after losing 16 pounds, I can't tell that much of a difference. I'm busting my butt at the gym and making smarter food choices, but I'm impatient, and I want results now! I can see it being very hard to stay motivated when I can't actually see results. Oh well, in about a week and a half, I'll have my one-month measurements taken at Curves, so hopefully I'll see results there that I can't see on my actual body.

I'm starting to see why so many people fall off the wagon, so to speak. I thought I would feel so much better so much quicker. I will stick with it, though, because I have to. I'm so tired of living life this obese.

So I plug on and keep going and hope it gets easier...

235.2

Life has been terribly crazy lately. Here it is Thursday and I'm finally getting around to writing about Sunday's weigh-in of 235.2.

Weight Watchers had set my first goal at 238.5, so passing that mark felt really good. I'm down about 16 pounds in 4 weeks, which is awesome! I'm feeling good with everything right now.

I haven't been quite as active this week for various reasons. Right now I'm waiting for the mailman, but later I might take the dogs for a walk.

I've been tired for as long as I can remember. I hope losing some weight will help me gain some energy. For the moment, I feel even more tired than usual. I guess my body isn't used to the strain of all the exercise with fewer calories being consumed? Now that I think about it, I might take a nap rather than a walk...

I guess I don't have much to say today. Maybe next week.

239.2

Weigh-In day was yesterday. Despite going to The Melting Pot (fondue) and The Olive Garden (Italian) last week, I still lost about 3 1/2 pounds! I'm down almost 12 pounds total. Also, Weight Watchers set my first goal at losing 5% of my body weight. I'm within 1 pound of that first goal.

Now the bad news. I got lectured by the Weight Watchers page about losing weight too quickly. I guess you're only supposed to average 2 pounds a week. I'm impatient, though, and I'm busting my behind. I'm working my butt off, literally, and I want to see the results of that ASAP. I got very angry when I was told I'm losing too much weight too quickly. I'm using up most of my points. I'm actually exercising. And now I'm told it's too much?

Argh.

I got a lot of good feedback from friends and family, though, saying that at first, losing a lot of weight is OK, especially since I am exercising and not just dieting.

Which is good. Because I don't want to start eating worse or more to lose less weight, and then have to eat less and/or better when I plateau. I like the pace I'm at.

So that really put a bummer into my day.

Went for a long walk yesterday. Went to the zoo today and did a lot more walking. I'll try to hit the gym tomorrow, Wednesday, and Thursday or Friday. I need to make sure I don't overdo it at the gym; my body isn't used to all this exercise, and my back has been letting me know when I need to slow down.

I think the reality that this is forever is starting to hit me now. I will never be able to go back to the way I used to eat. I will always have to be careful about what I eat. I will always have to exercise. It's daunting. I know I can do it. I just have to think one day at a time. I can't worry about tomorrow, I can only worry about today.

I guess that's about it for today. Thanks for taking this journey with me.

242.6

Yesterday's weigh-in was pretty good; I came in at 242.6, which is down 4 1/2 pounds from last week and 8 1/2 pounds total.

Mostly this is exciting, but there is still a part of me that feels like it isn't good enough. I really have to learn how to take control of that voice. I mean, the "I'll never be good enough" voice pesters me a lot, but if I don't learn how to control that voice, I'm liable to be come anorexic, bulimic, and/or an exercise addict. I have to remember that change takes time. I didn't put this weight on overnight, and it won't come off overnight, either.

Anyway, I got LOTS of support on Facebook yesterday which helped A LOT. The more outside voices I can hear, the easier it is for those good voices to drown out the evil one. Hmm...I wonder if I can conquer the "I'm not good enough" voice through my weight loss program - and have that carry over into the rest of my life? That could have HUGE (positive) implications! Interesting.

So my mom took me to a fondue restaurant today (my choice) to celebrate my birthday a few days early. And I feel okay about this. All I had all day until dinner was a banana and a granola bar for breakfast and another banana, some grapes, and a Fiber One Chocolate Chip Cookie Brownie thing for lunch. So I saved up lots of points. I figure between tonight and tomorrow night (my dad and stepmom are taking me to Olive Garden), I'll use all of my bonus and exercise points, and I'll just be super good with my points the rest of the week, and I think I'll still manage to lose weight. Or at least not gain weight.

After my second workout at Curves today, I was still surprised at how FUN it was. I never knew exercise could be so fun; exercise was always boring. Then I came home and decided to take the dogs on a half-hour walk. Who would have ever guessed? I must be starting to get more energy already, which will be great!

I noticed at work today that my smock, which is usually taught across my belly, actually hangs loose now! That almost made my head explode. I didn't really expect to see changes after only 8 1/2 pounds, but they are definitely starting to happen already. That was such a mind-blowingly awesome experience.

I guess that's all I have for you all now. I'm just learning how to tackle all my issues one at a time and staying strong. As I learn and grow (and shrink) I will continue to share those experiences, and if I can touch, help or inspire even one person who reads this, I will have achieved a goal.

Curves

So I signed up for Curves today. It's a women-only gym that incorporates circuit training with hydraulic-powered weight machines. This means A) You get a complete workout in 30 minutes. B) You don't have to mess around adjusting the amount of weight on each and every machine. And C) Since you are only on each machine for 30 seconds, it's not boring.

Joining Curves was my Stepmom's idea. She thought we could meet there after work a few times a week. I knew I would be more likely to actually go to the gym if I had a workout buddy, so I agreed to look into it with her. Today I had my first workout and absolutely loved it! I was looking forward to always moving from machine to machine, but I couldn't have predicted how much fun it would be (compared to a normal workout). I was planning on using a free 30-day pass to make up my mind, but I had decided after one 30-minute workout.

So now with the addition of a solid exercise plan to my Weight Watchers plan, I have a complete...plan. There has to be a different word I can use...but I can't think of anything.

Oh well.

Anyway, for my first session today, they did a weigh-in. It's a different scale from my scale at home, so there's certainly a margin of error, but I weighed in at 243 pounds - already down 4 pounds from Sunday and 8 in the last week and a half!

So I'm feeling pretty awesome. I'm locked into a 1-year contract with Curves, so hopefully I can keep it up long-term. I really feel optimistic that I can finally lose the weight and keep it off!

In other news, the not-so-good news, my BMI was almost 45%. That was completely off the chart she had. That machine also said I have 109 pounds of fat. Everybody has A LITTLE fat at least, especially women. I'm pretty small-chested, so I'm sticking by my guess that I need to lose about 100 pounds.

So things are looking up for me. I'll report back in a few days with my next weigh-in and keep you updated. Things won't always be flowers and sunshine, so that's another reason for me to write about my journey, so that I can (hopefully) inspire myself (and maybe some of you) to keep going during the tough times.

So if you (or future me) need inspiration, keep it up, you can do it! I know, believe me, how hard it is. It's a lifestyle change, and it sucks, but also, it feels SO GOOD to finally take care of myself and my health.